Category: trolling

Was this dude for real or someone being a smar…

Was this dude for real or someone being a smartarse?

Was this dude for real or someone being a smar…

Was this dude for real or someone being a smartarse?

Was this dude for real or someone being a smar…

Was this dude for real or someone being a smartarse?

Regular

I was only able to screenshot the first few pages but then after he unmatched me it obviously disapeared so I had to type the last page from memory, so it may not be verbatim but it is the general gist and as much as I can remember.

Tinder dude: Hi A, happy new year.

Me: Thanks, you too.

Tinder dude: I was hoping to start the year as I mean to go on.

Me: An excellent philosophy, I quite agree.

Tinder dude: You do? Well that’s good because I want to start it off with me inside you. How about you?

Me: I started it off with a one night stand with some random at the pub but yeah sounds good.

Tinder dude: So you are naughty. 😉

Me: Well depends on which definition one uses. Legally yes.

Tinder dude: And you like one night stands?

Me: Yes. I only have them.

Tinder dude: what so never any ongoing casual NSA fun?

Me: Nope. I’m not into that. I think it’s disgusting.

Tinder dude: Huh? How? But whatever- when you going to let me be in you?

Me: Whenever you desire…..

Tinder dude: Fuck yes. I can’t wait to be so deep inside you that you scream.

Me: Dude I’m not an oblivetron, I don’t absorb people. And if I was I’d likely be a discerning one and you might not make the grade.

Tinder dude: Lol okay then. You a bit weird hey?

Me: 👌

Tinder dude: So this weekend suit?

Me: Sure.

Tinder dude: Excellent. When and where?

Me: Say Saturday night?

Tinder dude: Sweet. Time? Place?

Me: About 2 am, [local lake which is big and would be deserted at that time of night]. Somewhere nobody hears you scream.

Tinder dude: 2am? Wtf? And you mean hears you scream?

Me: Yes. And no, defo you who will be screaming.

Tinder dude: Nah, I don’t do butt stuff unless it’s me in yours.

Me: I don’t intend to do that to you.

Tinder dude: This is not weird.

Me: That’s what random pub dude said nye.

Tinder dude: Have you heard from him since?

Me: No. I can’t. Though apparently there’s a chick in the mountains that gives good readings but I don’t want my secrets coming out. I hate the idea of being in jail.

Tinder dude: Wtaf?

Me: What? So Saturday then?

Tinder dude: Only if it’s earlier. Can’t I come yours?

Me: No. I like to keep a sterile environment and I don’t want anything that could get me in trouble. It’s all well and good being naughty until you end up in jail.

Tinder dude: WTF

Me: Don’t shout. It’s rude.

Tinder dude: Fucking explain this shit now!

Me: I don’t take orders. Well only from one man but we won’t go imuo that.

Tinder dude: Beginning to see why you don’t do casual ongoing. The guys would see your nuts.

Me: 1) Gramnar. You mean you’re nuts. Not you me nuts. Because I don’t have any. Except the ones hanging off my mirror in my Ute on the farm. They belonged to my first. 2) No that’s not why I do t have sex with them again. It’s because it’s disgusting.

Tinder dude: You are crazy. But for the record sex with me again and again isn’t disgusting. Just gets better even.

Me: No trust me it would be disgusting if I had sex with you more than once. I’d go from naughty to legally naughty and legally insane if you believe the DSM definition and the legal one.

Tinder dude: I’m over this. This apps to fuck not chat.

Me: Agreed. So: Saturday night, 2am, the lake? We will fuck. I will literally fuck your brains out. Then I’ll take you to my property and make sure you disappear. Hence why a second time would be wrong. I’m not some crazy sick fuck who has sex with dead bodies. Though I know some serial killers roll like that but it’s just no my jam.

Tinder dude: Thanks.

Me: You’re welcome. That’s like so totes sweet!!! I’ve not had that before- is it thanks for having sex with you before killing you (I’m a bit like the black widow spider and should I ever get caught that’s the name I want in the media!) or for not having sex with you after I kill you?

Tinder dude: No it’s thanks for wasting my time you Bitch

*And here he unmatched me. Before I could even beg him not to turn me into the cops!*

When you totally ruin their pickup line on pur…

When you totally ruin their pickup line on purpose…. 😈

Regular

Sadly POF wouldn’t let me go back past my message about the cup of tea so I couldn’t screenshot the whole thing. So I had to write out the earlier messages as far as I remembered them. But after that I was able to copy and paste the rest of the chat thankfully.

POF GUY: hi A I’m going 2 smash ur back door in.

ME: Uh yeah, no you’re really not.

POF Guy: Wanna bet babe?

ME: Actually yes. I’ve got a pretty good alarm system. Two tiered actually.

POF GUY: What a dog?

ME: Well yeah I *do* have a dog. She’s ferocious when needs be. Plus she’s spoilt rotten so she’s kinda possessive over me.

POF GUY: What kind?

ME: A chihuahua.

POF GUY: Lmfao. K. What is ur Otha part of alarm? I can disable alarms like in cars and houses.

ME: Probably not the best thing to be admitting here. But no, nothing like that. Smashing my back door in- if you are being metaphorical- will be as messy as fuck.

POF GUY: Nah babe, not messy. Ur just not doing it rite. It’s not messy.

ME: Oh it is!

POF GUY: Trust me hey?

ME: Can I make a confession?

POF GUY: K.

ME: It will be messy because of my issue. It all started with a dodgy Indian curry that was so damn bad I sharted and blew my arse out. Like legit blew it out. It flew out. So I’ve got this thin plastic fake butt instead.

POF GUY: WTF

ME: Yeah it’s embarrassing I know.

POF GUY: Ur 1 fucked up bitch.

ME: Harsh. Anyways so when can I expect you? Do you drink tea? I’ll put the kettle on?

POF GUY: Ur the most fucked up bitch I met on here an there r some very fucked up bitches. Stupid arse bitch.

ME: Not entirely sure why I’m fucked up. Sure my arse is a little fucked up what with being a fake plastic butt and all but I sued the buggers and made a fortune so I may be a little fucked up but I’m richly so. Which is why I could afford a customised butt- lovely glitter and swaoraki crystals and just an all round pretty butt. And I’m not the one who’s just admitted to planning to commit a crime……

POF GUY: I’ll commit 2 crimes- smashing ur back door in and kicking ur bitch arse!

ME: Clever. I like to also leave evidence of any crimes I plan to commit on social media (like a fb status saying off to egg a house) or on online dating sites like tinder asking if anyone wants to come steal a car with me. Oh wait- no I don’t! Cos I’m not a fucking moron! Did I tell you about my other prosthetic? This time an eye. There was this annoying as fuck blow fly driving me nuts and I was trying to swipe at it with a fly swatter. No luck so I swapped to an electrified tennis racquet type thing. Well I got the fly but the fucker rebounded off it and hit me in the eye which was then electrocuted and died. So I have a fake eye as well as fake arse.

POF GUY: Why do u talk so much crap? Ur eye is as real as ur ass.

ME: You are quite right- my eye is as real as my arse. They are both equally fake. Unfortunately you can’t exactly bedazzle an eye like you can a fake butt. 🙁

POF GUY: k u need 2 fuck off now. Ur not funny just a fuckwad.

ME: You don’t have to be so discriminatory. I applied to be in the Paralympic thinking a fake butt and fake arse would qualify me but would you believe they said no?!?!

POF GUY: yeh I’m shocked

ME: So I cut off my foot. Well not me exactly. I had to get surgeons to cut it off and they don’t cut off healthy limbs for no reason. So basically I had to get the foot fucked up. Took a lot of work. Now I have a fake foot too- it’s actually wooden because it made me feel slightly like a pirate. But you’ll never guess what happened next?

POF GUY: u got comitted and put in padded cell?

ME: Nope. They *still* won’t let me compete! I mean I’m no athlete. No expert in any sport. But still why can’t I?

POF GUY: Should b able 2 4 being fucked in the head hey?

ME: Really? You think?

POF GUY: Yeh.

ME: Awesome idea! I’ll ring them about it tomorrow. Thank you soooo much. Are you still planning on visiting?

POF GUY: Fuck no. I’m gonna block ur crazy bitch arse!

As I may have mentioned lately I’m getting a t…

As I may have mentioned lately I’m getting a tonne of messages from overseas men not just on Facebook but also on the dating sites. Normally I used to just ignore them. Although occasionally I’d play with them a bit until they realised I was kidding and went off (remember my Egyptian friend Gamal who wasn’t happy when I sent him a photo of me and my pet hippogriff Buckbeak or another guy who I had convinced i was a three boobed alien?). Lately however I’ve found myself toying with these men more and more. It’s like no fuckboy scammer you aren’t getting a visa or money for a visa from me buddy. But you WILL get fucked with.

On that note I present Rehman who has totally believed my crazy arse story. It’s only that he has been a bit annoyed at my disappearing whilst on holiday that he’s gone quiet so I thought I may as well end it and post it here for your enjoyment.

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Lmao! 👌

Lmao! 👌