I was only able to screenshot the first few pages but then after he unmatched me it obviously disapeared so I had to type the last page from memory, so it may not be verbatim but it is the general gist and as much as I can remember.
Tinder dude: Hi A, happy new year.
Me: Thanks, you too.
Tinder dude: I was hoping to start the year as I mean to go on.
Me: An excellent philosophy, I quite agree.
Tinder dude: You do? Well that’s good because I want to start it off with me inside you. How about you?
Me: I started it off with a one night stand with some random at the pub but yeah sounds good.
Tinder dude: So you are naughty. 😉
Me: Well depends on which definition one uses. Legally yes.
Tinder dude: And you like one night stands?
Me: Yes. I only have them.
Tinder dude: what so never any ongoing casual NSA fun?
Me: Nope. I’m not into that. I think it’s disgusting.
Tinder dude: Huh? How? But whatever- when you going to let me be in you?
Me: Whenever you desire…..
Tinder dude: Fuck yes. I can’t wait to be so deep inside you that you scream.
Me: Dude I’m not an oblivetron, I don’t absorb people. And if I was I’d likely be a discerning one and you might not make the grade.
Tinder dude: Lol okay then. You a bit weird hey?
Tinder dude: So this weekend suit?
Tinder dude: Excellent. When and where?
Me: Say Saturday night?
Tinder dude: Sweet. Time? Place?
Me: About 2 am, [local lake which is big and would be deserted at that time of night]. Somewhere nobody hears you scream.
Tinder dude: 2am? Wtf? And you mean hears you scream?
Me: Yes. And no, defo you who will be screaming.
Tinder dude: Nah, I don’t do butt stuff unless it’s me in yours.
Me: I don’t intend to do that to you.
Tinder dude: This is not weird.
Me: That’s what random pub dude said nye.
Tinder dude: Have you heard from him since?
Me: No. I can’t. Though apparently there’s a chick in the mountains that gives good readings but I don’t want my secrets coming out. I hate the idea of being in jail.
Tinder dude: Wtaf?
Me: What? So Saturday then?
Tinder dude: Only if it’s earlier. Can’t I come yours?
Me: No. I like to keep a sterile environment and I don’t want anything that could get me in trouble. It’s all well and good being naughty until you end up in jail.
Tinder dude: WTF
Me: Don’t shout. It’s rude.
Tinder dude: Fucking explain this shit now!
Me: I don’t take orders. Well only from one man but we won’t go imuo that.
Tinder dude: Beginning to see why you don’t do casual ongoing. The guys would see your nuts.
Me: 1) Gramnar. You mean you’re nuts. Not you me nuts. Because I don’t have any. Except the ones hanging off my mirror in my Ute on the farm. They belonged to my first. 2) No that’s not why I do t have sex with them again. It’s because it’s disgusting.
Tinder dude: You are crazy. But for the record sex with me again and again isn’t disgusting. Just gets better even.
Me: No trust me it would be disgusting if I had sex with you more than once. I’d go from naughty to legally naughty and legally insane if you believe the DSM definition and the legal one.
Tinder dude: I’m over this. This apps to fuck not chat.
Me: Agreed. So: Saturday night, 2am, the lake? We will fuck. I will literally fuck your brains out. Then I’ll take you to my property and make sure you disappear. Hence why a second time would be wrong. I’m not some crazy sick fuck who has sex with dead bodies. Though I know some serial killers roll like that but it’s just no my jam.
Tinder dude: Thanks.
Me: You’re welcome. That’s like so totes sweet!!! I’ve not had that before- is it thanks for having sex with you before killing you (I’m a bit like the black widow spider and should I ever get caught that’s the name I want in the media!) or for not having sex with you after I kill you?
Tinder dude: No it’s thanks for wasting my time you Bitch
*And here he unmatched me. Before I could even beg him not to turn me into the cops!*