I was only able to screenshot the first few pages but then after he unmatched me it obviously disapeared so I had to type the last page from memory, so it may not be verbatim but it is the general gist and as much as I can remember.
Tinder dude: Hi A, happy new year.
Me: Thanks, you too.
Tinder dude: I was hoping to start the year as I mean to go on.
Me: An excellent philosophy, I quite agree.
Tinder dude: You do? Well that’s good because I want to start it off with me inside you. How about you?
Me: I started it off with a one night stand with some random at the pub but yeah sounds good.
Tinder dude: So you are naughty. 😉
Me: Well depends on which definition one uses. Legally yes.
Tinder dude: And you like one night stands?
Me: Yes. I only have them.
Tinder dude: what so never any ongoing casual NSA fun?
Me: Nope. I’m not into that. I think it’s disgusting.
Tinder dude: Huh? How? But whatever- when you going to let me be in you?
Me: Whenever you desire…..
Tinder dude: Fuck yes. I can’t wait to be so deep inside you that you scream.
Me: Dude I’m not an oblivetron, I don’t absorb people. And if I was I’d likely be a discerning one and you might not make the grade.
Tinder dude: Lol okay then. You a bit weird hey?
Tinder dude: So this weekend suit?
Tinder dude: Excellent. When and where?
Me: Say Saturday night?
Tinder dude: Sweet. Time? Place?
Me: About 2 am, [local lake which is big and would be deserted at that time of night]. Somewhere nobody hears you scream.
Tinder dude: 2am? Wtf? And you mean hears you scream?
Me: Yes. And no, defo you who will be screaming.
Tinder dude: Nah, I don’t do butt stuff unless it’s me in yours.
Me: I don’t intend to do that to you.
Tinder dude: This is not weird.
Me: That’s what random pub dude said nye.
Tinder dude: Have you heard from him since?
Me: No. I can’t. Though apparently there’s a chick in the mountains that gives good readings but I don’t want my secrets coming out. I hate the idea of being in jail.
Tinder dude: Wtaf?
Me: What? So Saturday then?
Tinder dude: Only if it’s earlier. Can’t I come yours?
Me: No. I like to keep a sterile environment and I don’t want anything that could get me in trouble. It’s all well and good being naughty until you end up in jail.
Tinder dude: WTF
Me: Don’t shout. It’s rude.
Tinder dude: Fucking explain this shit now!
Me: I don’t take orders. Well only from one man but we won’t go imuo that.
Tinder dude: Beginning to see why you don’t do casual ongoing. The guys would see your nuts.
Me: 1) Gramnar. You mean you’re nuts. Not you me nuts. Because I don’t have any. Except the ones hanging off my mirror in my Ute on the farm. They belonged to my first. 2) No that’s not why I do t have sex with them again. It’s because it’s disgusting.
Tinder dude: You are crazy. But for the record sex with me again and again isn’t disgusting. Just gets better even.
Me: No trust me it would be disgusting if I had sex with you more than once. I’d go from naughty to legally naughty and legally insane if you believe the DSM definition and the legal one.
Tinder dude: I’m over this. This apps to fuck not chat.
Me: Agreed. So: Saturday night, 2am, the lake? We will fuck. I will literally fuck your brains out. Then I’ll take you to my property and make sure you disappear. Hence why a second time would be wrong. I’m not some crazy sick fuck who has sex with dead bodies. Though I know some serial killers roll like that but it’s just no my jam.
Tinder dude: Thanks.
Me: You’re welcome. That’s like so totes sweet!!! I’ve not had that before- is it thanks for having sex with you before killing you (I’m a bit like the black widow spider and should I ever get caught that’s the name I want in the media!) or for not having sex with you after I kill you?
Tinder dude: No it’s thanks for wasting my time you Bitch
*And here he unmatched me. Before I could even beg him not to turn me into the cops!*
Sadly POF wouldn’t let me go back past my message about the cup of tea so I couldn’t screenshot the whole thing. So I had to write out the earlier messages as far as I remembered them. But after that I was able to copy and paste the rest of the chat thankfully.
POF GUY: hi A I’m going 2 smash ur back door in.
ME: Uh yeah, no you’re really not.
POF Guy: Wanna bet babe?
ME: Actually yes. I’ve got a pretty good alarm system. Two tiered actually.
POF GUY: What a dog?
ME: Well yeah I *do* have a dog. She’s ferocious when needs be. Plus she’s spoilt rotten so she’s kinda possessive over me.
POF GUY: What kind?
ME: A chihuahua.
POF GUY: Lmfao. K. What is ur Otha part of alarm? I can disable alarms like in cars and houses.
ME: Probably not the best thing to be admitting here. But no, nothing like that. Smashing my back door in- if you are being metaphorical- will be as messy as fuck.
POF GUY: Nah babe, not messy. Ur just not doing it rite. It’s not messy.
ME: Oh it is!
POF GUY: Trust me hey?
ME: Can I make a confession?
POF GUY: K.
ME: It will be messy because of my issue. It all started with a dodgy Indian curry that was so damn bad I sharted and blew my arse out. Like legit blew it out. It flew out. So I’ve got this thin plastic fake butt instead.
POF GUY: WTF
ME: Yeah it’s embarrassing I know.
POF GUY: Ur 1 fucked up bitch.
ME: Harsh. Anyways so when can I expect you? Do you drink tea? I’ll put the kettle on?
POF GUY: Ur the most fucked up bitch I met on here an there r some very fucked up bitches. Stupid arse bitch.
ME: Not entirely sure why I’m fucked up. Sure my arse is a little fucked up what with being a fake plastic butt and all but I sued the buggers and made a fortune so I may be a little fucked up but I’m richly so. Which is why I could afford a customised butt- lovely glitter and swaoraki crystals and just an all round pretty butt. And I’m not the one who’s just admitted to planning to commit a crime……
POF GUY: I’ll commit 2 crimes- smashing ur back door in and kicking ur bitch arse!
ME: Clever. I like to also leave evidence of any crimes I plan to commit on social media (like a fb status saying off to egg a house) or on online dating sites like tinder asking if anyone wants to come steal a car with me. Oh wait- no I don’t! Cos I’m not a fucking moron! Did I tell you about my other prosthetic? This time an eye. There was this annoying as fuck blow fly driving me nuts and I was trying to swipe at it with a fly swatter. No luck so I swapped to an electrified tennis racquet type thing. Well I got the fly but the fucker rebounded off it and hit me in the eye which was then electrocuted and died. So I have a fake eye as well as fake arse.
POF GUY: Why do u talk so much crap? Ur eye is as real as ur ass.
ME: You are quite right- my eye is as real as my arse. They are both equally fake. Unfortunately you can’t exactly bedazzle an eye like you can a fake butt. 🙁
POF GUY: k u need 2 fuck off now. Ur not funny just a fuckwad.
ME: You don’t have to be so discriminatory. I applied to be in the Paralympic thinking a fake butt and fake arse would qualify me but would you believe they said no?!?!
POF GUY: yeh I’m shocked
ME: So I cut off my foot. Well not me exactly. I had to get surgeons to cut it off and they don’t cut off healthy limbs for no reason. So basically I had to get the foot fucked up. Took a lot of work. Now I have a fake foot too- it’s actually wooden because it made me feel slightly like a pirate. But you’ll never guess what happened next?
POF GUY: u got comitted and put in padded cell?
ME: Nope. They *still* won’t let me compete! I mean I’m no athlete. No expert in any sport. But still why can’t I?
POF GUY: Should b able 2 4 being fucked in the head hey?
ME: Really? You think?
POF GUY: Yeh.
ME: Awesome idea! I’ll ring them about it tomorrow. Thank you soooo much. Are you still planning on visiting?
POF GUY: Fuck no. I’m gonna block ur crazy bitch arse!
For those of you with FB this is worth a like.
It’s about trolling those scammers who are declaring their love in an effort to get a visa- or money for a visa in many cases- and giving them a taste of their own medicine.
There’s also some fuckboy’s making appearances there. (Some you may recognise from here in fact?) Because the fuckboy scammers clearly don’t confine their scamming to just Facebook or other social media.
They also take submissions.
“Untrollable dude.” Lasted a week this time. I’m sorry but I don’t think meeting someone who messages a few times in a row, gets shitty if you don’t reply quick enough, wants to meet up pretty much straight away and has a temper is really the sort of guy i want to meet. I *was* hoping he may have learnt a lesson from the past but clearly not.
“Untrollable dude” update:
After I told him I didn’t even know him yet so wasn’t about to go meet him he proceeded to tell me about himself. I thought hmmm, maybe after the 4 times I’ve been forced to tell him off and troll him (for the sake of women in Melbs!) he’s actually learnt something! Alas no. He’s back to the lets meet up despite having had no real conversation. And given how shitty he gets when I don’t reply I decided to turn the tables on him when he didn’t reply within a few hours. But then he’s like oh messages can be delayed or I was at work!!! I told him I was an alien in a past life and am a stripper but it’s secret because of me being a cop. This didn’t bother him so I’ve now added I spent some time in the adult entertainment industry. I doubt he’ll care (see troll one on oasis under #untrollabkedude) so I think I’ll discuss my alien past lives more….
Why did he disappear so quick? What about our dreams for the future? What about our love?