Category: fatgirlsguidetodating

Fatgirl dating hurdles example #3: Getting nak…

Fatgirl dating hurdles example #3: Getting naked.

[Just a quick caveat here: pretty much all women would have some level of nervousness about this hurdle unless they are completely 100% body confident. But it’s a bit more daunting and complex for us bigger girls.]

After you’ve passed the first two hurdles- the looks test and the first date- you may find yourself facing another hurdle. (I’m skipping the second date or third date hurdle as it’s not really a fat girl dating hurdle in my opinion.) Maybe further dates have followed, maybe you are now in a relationship or maybe not, maybe you have sex but never see him again, or maybe you are just doing the casual fuck buddy thing but if you are still seeing each other then inevitably you’ll be getting nekkid. Sure to get here you’d have passed the looks test in person but it’s one thing to be fully clothed and another to be naked.

I have never been completely naked with a guy in my whole life. Not once in 38 years. They have been but I’ve always had some item of clothing still on- generally a top. Either with or without a bra. I remember one time the man (aka J1) undid my bra and I pulled it off without taking my top off and he then pulled my top up to get to my boobs and even whilst I was enjoying it there was a part of me that was on red alert saying “hold on- he can see your fat tummy dude! Abort mission!” But it clearly didn’t bother him.

With J2 it was the same but for one of the first times in my life the fact that he could see my fat didn’t seem to bother me. Granted it was dark though. It was quite awhile before we did it in day time but by then we’d had sex a few times so I wasn’t so self conscious. (My tank top remained on still!)

One guy, L, had sex with me during the daytime and I was wearing a dress so when we were getting down he had hiked it up a bit but I’m fairly certain that if I was wearing a top it would have stayed on!

Recently I came across an article that looked at the depictions of women’s bodies throughout history in art. And it showed that curves have almost always (apart from some periods like the 1920’s) been considered womanly, a good thing. But that didn’t automatically help my self-consciousness. Another thing I’ve that I’ve never once in all my sexual life done is to be on top. The idea that I’d be squashing a guy or that all my fat would be wobbling about has meant that it’s just always been something I avoid. And it turns out that many girls with even a little bit of weight through to bigger girls feel the same way. A friend of mine, G, told me her biggest fear is 69 when a guy says sit on my face in case she suffocates him.

This despite a male friend telling me that if a guy likes you and you’re getting hot and heavy he’s not going to see you take your top off and then suddenly say yeah nah, imma pass. But I don’t know how true that is. Though some of the guys I’ve slept with were so horny that they probably wouldn’t have cared?

A magazine survey a few years back stuck in my mind because it found that over 70% of men would date a confident bigger woman over an insecure smaller woman. And that about 60% of them would try to help their partner feel better about themselves if they called themselves fat. But the stat that stuck in my mind was when asked if they were ever disappointed when seeing a woman naked around 70% said no.

Similarity I recall science telling us that attraction is actually less important and that sexual attractions more about men’s brains thinking sub consciously about mating so things like how fertile we smell and things like our personality traits that would make us a good mate and mother to their child.

The thing is that- for me at least- it’s not just shame in my body but also fear that the guy may be ashamed of my body and instantly lose their attraction. Which is why I think that first time you get naked is a major fat girl dating hurdle. Sure I can tell myself the common platitudes that if they weren’t into me then we wouldn’t have gotten this far or that not all men like skinny chicks. But that doesn’t stop my mind from running crazy the whole time. I know I’m not alone and that this isn’t limited to bigger girls but I do think bigger girls are more concerned about positions that hide their tummy or sex in the dark than other women may be. I still can’t help but think- despite having got to this hurdle- what if after having seen me naked the guy doesn’t want to see me again?

So here are some tips on how to work towards getting over this getting naked hurdle:

1.) Let him touch you. Touching is something that provides a connection between partners. If he’s touching you it means he’s not grossed out and running for the hills. Especially let him touch the parts of you that you are insecure about. (For me that’s mainly my tummy but also a bit my butt and thighs and upper arms.)

2.) Don’t spend your time mentally comparing yourself to his previous partners. (The chances are by now they may have been mentioned or you’ve stalked his Facebook and insta so you know what his previous girls friends have looked like, especially ones he may have been extra serious with.) Nor should you be comparing yourself to his first female crush or whoever you see on magazine ads/tv/the back of the bus etc. Keep in mind that they have likely had their images retouched. Plus you have no idea what they personally think about their own looks- the chances are they are critical too about something they see as their problem area.

3.) The more you are naked with your new partner the more you will get used to it. It will become something familiar and more comfortable. You will start seeing yourself in a new light and see things that you hadn’t before like thinking yes my boobs are actually beautiful.

4.) Don’t say things like “oh don’t touch my tummy, it’s so fat” or “can I have some more of the sheet so I can pull it up to my neck to hide my fat?” Aside from then drawing his attention to the areas you consider problem areas and thus inevitably inviting him to look at them in a critical way guys love a woman with confidence.

So just think next time you are getting naked with a new guy that it’s more your fear or your worry or your shame about your nakedness than his. The chances are he’s too busy thinking how lucky he is to notice your cellulite or the tummy roll (and FYI everyone- even skinny/fit women have this when bent at certain angles!).

Fatgirl.

How am I not a catch….?

How am I not a catch….?

Fatgirl problems, example #5: The formerly fat…

Fatgirl problems, example #5: The formerly fat girl friend.

Do you find those people who go on tv to plug a diet or fitness program and waffle on with rhetoric about how it changed their life and was the catalyst for them losing X amounts of kilos annoying? Me too. What’s worse is when you have one of those people (henceforth known as a FFG) as a friend who is the first to tell you how you should totally try their diet because you will lose the weight. I’ve written about the backhanded compliment before; well this is one place it really takes off.

Don’t get me wrong- of course I want to lose the weight. I just don’t want a friend FFG to launch into a lecture about how much happier she is, how much healthier, and then preach to me about how I’d feel so much better, how I’d look so pretty etc if I tried her diet. But here’s the thing: if I wanted that I’d be joining one of these programs to listen to the sermons on how losing weight will change your life. I want my friend to be more….well….friendly. Like I want to compartmentalise things in my life. I want to be able to drink a calorie laden alcoholic beverage in front of my FFG friend without her raising her eyebrows and asking if this is my cheat day? Or saying you won’t be able to drink that on a diet so make the most of them.

Something I noticed with my FFG friend when she was in the middle of her diet- or life change as she prefers to call it- was that she changed in ways besides her dress size. For example a girls night out involved less alcohol and then late night kebabs and more soda water and no food. Trying to schedule things with her was hell. She’d say sorry I have to go the gym that day, or can we make it a different day so that I can have a glass of wine, or even that she couldn’t go out with us all because she felt like we were trying to sabotage her. (Further questioning revealed that was because we chose not to drink just water at the club when in front of her.)

But I still supported her weight loss. Maybe if I’d known she’d suddenly become the poster child for X [name of program withheld] diet program and would drive myself and a bunch of our mates insane it would have been different? No. Even then it wouldn’t have been. I supported her but it would be nice if she would let me sort my weight out my way and in my time?

Because the thing is just because X diet worked for *them* doesn’t mean it will work for you. Suddenly your FFG friend is an expert in nutrition and fitness. But maybe your FFG friend is single, doesn’t have children, has no major commitments in life so has plenty of time to workout and make the food on her program for example whilst you do? You go out for lunch and your FFG friend will point out if you say I’ll order this as it’s less calories that no, it’s carbs or salt or sugar you should be counting or it’s not about what you eat but rather when or how much you move. Tell them you’re going to take a half-hour walk at lunch every day and they’ll say, “You know the amount of calories you burn in one walk isn’t even enough to make up for one muffin, right?”

But the only thing that does is piss me off. I know I’ve got weight to lose. I know I need to eat right. I know I need more exercise. But I also know I’ve got to find the diet or program that works for me. And preaching at me about how much better your life is as a FFG and that mine can be too isn’t going to help me or motivate me. Rather it will do the opposite!

Fatgirl.

Was this dude for real or someone being a smar…

Was this dude for real or someone being a smartarse?

Was this dude for real or someone being a smar…

Was this dude for real or someone being a smartarse?

Was this dude for real or someone being a smar…

Was this dude for real or someone being a smartarse?

Well Franki (who spells their name that way an…

Well Franki (who spells their name that way anyways?!) B I’d tell you if you’d accept my reply that I like nights because I like to bathe in the full moon’s glow while I sacrifice fuckboys to the dark lord…. shame I can’t tell him. But as this appears to be a common opening line on “meetme” like “nice to meet you” is on “tagged” I’ll tell the next dude to ask me this….

Regular

I was only able to screenshot the first few pages but then after he unmatched me it obviously disapeared so I had to type the last page from memory, so it may not be verbatim but it is the general gist and as much as I can remember.

Tinder dude: Hi A, happy new year.

Me: Thanks, you too.

Tinder dude: I was hoping to start the year as I mean to go on.

Me: An excellent philosophy, I quite agree.

Tinder dude: You do? Well that’s good because I want to start it off with me inside you. How about you?

Me: I started it off with a one night stand with some random at the pub but yeah sounds good.

Tinder dude: So you are naughty. 😉

Me: Well depends on which definition one uses. Legally yes.

Tinder dude: And you like one night stands?

Me: Yes. I only have them.

Tinder dude: what so never any ongoing casual NSA fun?

Me: Nope. I’m not into that. I think it’s disgusting.

Tinder dude: Huh? How? But whatever- when you going to let me be in you?

Me: Whenever you desire…..

Tinder dude: Fuck yes. I can’t wait to be so deep inside you that you scream.

Me: Dude I’m not an oblivetron, I don’t absorb people. And if I was I’d likely be a discerning one and you might not make the grade.

Tinder dude: Lol okay then. You a bit weird hey?

Me: 👌

Tinder dude: So this weekend suit?

Me: Sure.

Tinder dude: Excellent. When and where?

Me: Say Saturday night?

Tinder dude: Sweet. Time? Place?

Me: About 2 am, [local lake which is big and would be deserted at that time of night]. Somewhere nobody hears you scream.

Tinder dude: 2am? Wtf? And you mean hears you scream?

Me: Yes. And no, defo you who will be screaming.

Tinder dude: Nah, I don’t do butt stuff unless it’s me in yours.

Me: I don’t intend to do that to you.

Tinder dude: This is not weird.

Me: That’s what random pub dude said nye.

Tinder dude: Have you heard from him since?

Me: No. I can’t. Though apparently there’s a chick in the mountains that gives good readings but I don’t want my secrets coming out. I hate the idea of being in jail.

Tinder dude: Wtaf?

Me: What? So Saturday then?

Tinder dude: Only if it’s earlier. Can’t I come yours?

Me: No. I like to keep a sterile environment and I don’t want anything that could get me in trouble. It’s all well and good being naughty until you end up in jail.

Tinder dude: WTF

Me: Don’t shout. It’s rude.

Tinder dude: Fucking explain this shit now!

Me: I don’t take orders. Well only from one man but we won’t go imuo that.

Tinder dude: Beginning to see why you don’t do casual ongoing. The guys would see your nuts.

Me: 1) Gramnar. You mean you’re nuts. Not you me nuts. Because I don’t have any. Except the ones hanging off my mirror in my Ute on the farm. They belonged to my first. 2) No that’s not why I do t have sex with them again. It’s because it’s disgusting.

Tinder dude: You are crazy. But for the record sex with me again and again isn’t disgusting. Just gets better even.

Me: No trust me it would be disgusting if I had sex with you more than once. I’d go from naughty to legally naughty and legally insane if you believe the DSM definition and the legal one.

Tinder dude: I’m over this. This apps to fuck not chat.

Me: Agreed. So: Saturday night, 2am, the lake? We will fuck. I will literally fuck your brains out. Then I’ll take you to my property and make sure you disappear. Hence why a second time would be wrong. I’m not some crazy sick fuck who has sex with dead bodies. Though I know some serial killers roll like that but it’s just no my jam.

Tinder dude: Thanks.

Me: You’re welcome. That’s like so totes sweet!!! I’ve not had that before- is it thanks for having sex with you before killing you (I’m a bit like the black widow spider and should I ever get caught that’s the name I want in the media!) or for not having sex with you after I kill you?

Tinder dude: No it’s thanks for wasting my time you Bitch

*And here he unmatched me. Before I could even beg him not to turn me into the cops!*

When you totally ruin their pickup line on pur…

When you totally ruin their pickup line on purpose…. 😈

Regular

Sadly POF wouldn’t let me go back past my message about the cup of tea so I couldn’t screenshot the whole thing. So I had to write out the earlier messages as far as I remembered them. But after that I was able to copy and paste the rest of the chat thankfully.

POF GUY: hi A I’m going 2 smash ur back door in.

ME: Uh yeah, no you’re really not.

POF Guy: Wanna bet babe?

ME: Actually yes. I’ve got a pretty good alarm system. Two tiered actually.

POF GUY: What a dog?

ME: Well yeah I *do* have a dog. She’s ferocious when needs be. Plus she’s spoilt rotten so she’s kinda possessive over me.

POF GUY: What kind?

ME: A chihuahua.

POF GUY: Lmfao. K. What is ur Otha part of alarm? I can disable alarms like in cars and houses.

ME: Probably not the best thing to be admitting here. But no, nothing like that. Smashing my back door in- if you are being metaphorical- will be as messy as fuck.

POF GUY: Nah babe, not messy. Ur just not doing it rite. It’s not messy.

ME: Oh it is!

POF GUY: Trust me hey?

ME: Can I make a confession?

POF GUY: K.

ME: It will be messy because of my issue. It all started with a dodgy Indian curry that was so damn bad I sharted and blew my arse out. Like legit blew it out. It flew out. So I’ve got this thin plastic fake butt instead.

POF GUY: WTF

ME: Yeah it’s embarrassing I know.

POF GUY: Ur 1 fucked up bitch.

ME: Harsh. Anyways so when can I expect you? Do you drink tea? I’ll put the kettle on?

POF GUY: Ur the most fucked up bitch I met on here an there r some very fucked up bitches. Stupid arse bitch.

ME: Not entirely sure why I’m fucked up. Sure my arse is a little fucked up what with being a fake plastic butt and all but I sued the buggers and made a fortune so I may be a little fucked up but I’m richly so. Which is why I could afford a customised butt- lovely glitter and swaoraki crystals and just an all round pretty butt. And I’m not the one who’s just admitted to planning to commit a crime……

POF GUY: I’ll commit 2 crimes- smashing ur back door in and kicking ur bitch arse!

ME: Clever. I like to also leave evidence of any crimes I plan to commit on social media (like a fb status saying off to egg a house) or on online dating sites like tinder asking if anyone wants to come steal a car with me. Oh wait- no I don’t! Cos I’m not a fucking moron! Did I tell you about my other prosthetic? This time an eye. There was this annoying as fuck blow fly driving me nuts and I was trying to swipe at it with a fly swatter. No luck so I swapped to an electrified tennis racquet type thing. Well I got the fly but the fucker rebounded off it and hit me in the eye which was then electrocuted and died. So I have a fake eye as well as fake arse.

POF GUY: Why do u talk so much crap? Ur eye is as real as ur ass.

ME: You are quite right- my eye is as real as my arse. They are both equally fake. Unfortunately you can’t exactly bedazzle an eye like you can a fake butt. 🙁

POF GUY: k u need 2 fuck off now. Ur not funny just a fuckwad.

ME: You don’t have to be so discriminatory. I applied to be in the Paralympic thinking a fake butt and fake arse would qualify me but would you believe they said no?!?!

POF GUY: yeh I’m shocked

ME: So I cut off my foot. Well not me exactly. I had to get surgeons to cut it off and they don’t cut off healthy limbs for no reason. So basically I had to get the foot fucked up. Took a lot of work. Now I have a fake foot too- it’s actually wooden because it made me feel slightly like a pirate. But you’ll never guess what happened next?

POF GUY: u got comitted and put in padded cell?

ME: Nope. They *still* won’t let me compete! I mean I’m no athlete. No expert in any sport. But still why can’t I?

POF GUY: Should b able 2 4 being fucked in the head hey?

ME: Really? You think?

POF GUY: Yeh.

ME: Awesome idea! I’ll ring them about it tomorrow. Thank you soooo much. Are you still planning on visiting?

POF GUY: Fuck no. I’m gonna block ur crazy bitch arse!