Fatgirl dating hurdles example #3: Getting naked.
[Just a quick caveat here: pretty much all women would have some level of nervousness about this hurdle unless they are completely 100% body confident. But it’s a bit more daunting and complex for us bigger girls.]
After you’ve passed the first two hurdles- the looks test and the first date- you may find yourself facing another hurdle. (I’m skipping the second date or third date hurdle as it’s not really a fat girl dating hurdle in my opinion.) Maybe further dates have followed, maybe you are now in a relationship or maybe not, maybe you have sex but never see him again, or maybe you are just doing the casual fuck buddy thing but if you are still seeing each other then inevitably you’ll be getting nekkid. Sure to get here you’d have passed the looks test in person but it’s one thing to be fully clothed and another to be naked.
I have never been completely naked with a guy in my whole life. Not once in 38 years. They have been but I’ve always had some item of clothing still on- generally a top. Either with or without a bra. I remember one time the man (aka J1) undid my bra and I pulled it off without taking my top off and he then pulled my top up to get to my boobs and even whilst I was enjoying it there was a part of me that was on red alert saying “hold on- he can see your fat tummy dude! Abort mission!” But it clearly didn’t bother him.
With J2 it was the same but for one of the first times in my life the fact that he could see my fat didn’t seem to bother me. Granted it was dark though. It was quite awhile before we did it in day time but by then we’d had sex a few times so I wasn’t so self conscious. (My tank top remained on still!)
One guy, L, had sex with me during the daytime and I was wearing a dress so when we were getting down he had hiked it up a bit but I’m fairly certain that if I was wearing a top it would have stayed on!
Recently I came across an article that looked at the depictions of women’s bodies throughout history in art. And it showed that curves have almost always (apart from some periods like the 1920’s) been considered womanly, a good thing. But that didn’t automatically help my self-consciousness. Another thing I’ve that I’ve never once in all my sexual life done is to be on top. The idea that I’d be squashing a guy or that all my fat would be wobbling about has meant that it’s just always been something I avoid. And it turns out that many girls with even a little bit of weight through to bigger girls feel the same way. A friend of mine, G, told me her biggest fear is 69 when a guy says sit on my face in case she suffocates him.
This despite a male friend telling me that if a guy likes you and you’re getting hot and heavy he’s not going to see you take your top off and then suddenly say yeah nah, imma pass. But I don’t know how true that is. Though some of the guys I’ve slept with were so horny that they probably wouldn’t have cared?
A magazine survey a few years back stuck in my mind because it found that over 70% of men would date a confident bigger woman over an insecure smaller woman. And that about 60% of them would try to help their partner feel better about themselves if they called themselves fat. But the stat that stuck in my mind was when asked if they were ever disappointed when seeing a woman naked around 70% said no.
Similarity I recall science telling us that attraction is actually less important and that sexual attractions more about men’s brains thinking sub consciously about mating so things like how fertile we smell and things like our personality traits that would make us a good mate and mother to their child.
The thing is that- for me at least- it’s not just shame in my body but also fear that the guy may be ashamed of my body and instantly lose their attraction. Which is why I think that first time you get naked is a major fat girl dating hurdle. Sure I can tell myself the common platitudes that if they weren’t into me then we wouldn’t have gotten this far or that not all men like skinny chicks. But that doesn’t stop my mind from running crazy the whole time. I know I’m not alone and that this isn’t limited to bigger girls but I do think bigger girls are more concerned about positions that hide their tummy or sex in the dark than other women may be. I still can’t help but think- despite having got to this hurdle- what if after having seen me naked the guy doesn’t want to see me again?
So here are some tips on how to work towards getting over this getting naked hurdle:
1.) Let him touch you. Touching is something that provides a connection between partners. If he’s touching you it means he’s not grossed out and running for the hills. Especially let him touch the parts of you that you are insecure about. (For me that’s mainly my tummy but also a bit my butt and thighs and upper arms.)
2.) Don’t spend your time mentally comparing yourself to his previous partners. (The chances are by now they may have been mentioned or you’ve stalked his Facebook and insta so you know what his previous girls friends have looked like, especially ones he may have been extra serious with.) Nor should you be comparing yourself to his first female crush or whoever you see on magazine ads/tv/the back of the bus etc. Keep in mind that they have likely had their images retouched. Plus you have no idea what they personally think about their own looks- the chances are they are critical too about something they see as their problem area.
3.) The more you are naked with your new partner the more you will get used to it. It will become something familiar and more comfortable. You will start seeing yourself in a new light and see things that you hadn’t before like thinking yes my boobs are actually beautiful.
4.) Don’t say things like “oh don’t touch my tummy, it’s so fat” or “can I have some more of the sheet so I can pull it up to my neck to hide my fat?” Aside from then drawing his attention to the areas you consider problem areas and thus inevitably inviting him to look at them in a critical way guys love a woman with confidence.
So just think next time you are getting naked with a new guy that it’s more your fear or your worry or your shame about your nakedness than his. The chances are he’s too busy thinking how lucky he is to notice your cellulite or the tummy roll (and FYI everyone- even skinny/fit women have this when bent at certain angles!).